How to tell a date you have children

Becoming a parent is a major event in anyone's life. If a mom and dad have normal maternal and paternal instincts, the tiny new human being will have priority rights on the hearts, the attention, and purse strings of both parents for at least the next twenty-one years.

Sometimes it happens that a baby is born out of wedlock, to a couple who were "in lust" rather than "in love". That child will probably grow up in a single-parent family. The custodial parent will want to date again when the baby is no longer a newborn.

The other parent, in most cases, shares the responsibility for supporting the child financially and with at least, an occasional visit, until that child is an adult. This non-custodial parent will also return to the dating scene.

Today, about 50% of marriages in North America end in divorce. The result of these tragic splits is that there are thousands of single parents, some young and others not so young, who find themselves back in the dating game.

However, this time is significantly different from the carefree dating they did in their teens or early twenties. This time they have baggage- one or more dependent children to whom they are inexorably bound by chains of love, duty and legality. Obviously, anyone the parent dates should be informed immediately about their true circumstances.

How should you break the news? The best way is to be brutally honest before the date even takes place. "I'd like to spend time getting to know you better, but you should be aware that I am the parent of three little girls whom I love dearly. If this is not an obstacle, how about a going to a movie Saturday night?"

This places the ball squarely in your prospective date's court. He or she is free to explain that children are not in their plans for the future , or alternately, affirm that they love kids and can't wait to meet yours.

If you're new to the dating scene, and lack the courage to confront a potential date with the raw reality, ask that they call you at home at a certain time to confirm the arrangements. Be sure one of the children answers the call. The child will likely turn in your direction and bellow. "Mommm...eee!" or "Dadd...eee!" That should do the trick.

If your potential date is still there when you pick up the receiver, you will have no choice but to explain the relationship between the child and yourself. This is also the time to mention the child's siblings, if there are any.

If you'd rather not break the news over the phone, request that you be picked up on the evening of the first date. On the front lawn, leave the baby's carriage, toys, bikes, and whatever else your children use outdoors on a typical afternoon.

If your date gets as far as the front door, ask him or her in for a coffee and say there are a few things you need to explain before you go. Have a baby-sitter on stand-by in case the newcomer takes everything in stride and still wants to go on the date.

Just as your children are a pivotal part of your life, they must also become important to anyone who wishes to share your life in any significant way . Anyone who is not willing to accept your children as part of a package deal, need not waste time or money in trying to further a relationship.

As a parent, it is your duty to disclose the truth about your situation as soon as you possibly can. If a potential date cannot accept your children, he or she is not the soul-mate you have been waiting for. They need to move on and make way for a superior candidate.

Are parents responsible for the actions of their adult children?

It's late at night when the front doorbell rings. Your husband groans, rolls over, and stands up sleepily. "Who on earth can it be at this hour?", he mumbles. He clicks on his bedside light, pulls on his robe and heads for the stairs.

You lay quietly in the warm nest of bed, listening, hoping it's just someone lost, asking for directions. In a moment, your spouse calls your name. You know from the tone of his voice, that something is wrong.

When you join him at the door, a uniformed police officer informs you that your son Bobby has been arrested for driving a stolen car, trying to rob a gas station, and threatening the attendant with a gun. The officer doesn't call him Bobby, he refers to him as Robert Fife, the accused.

You try to explain: "Bobby is twenty-three years old. He left home after he dropped out of high school. He accused us, his parents, of being too controlling. He objected to the house rules. He had some friends we didn't like, in fact, they actually scared us. When we told him they weren't welcome in our home, he stormed out, saying he preferred their company to ours."

You continue, eyes shining with unshed tears, "Bobby was eighteen at the time- an adult. He said we couldn't tell him what to do, or who to hang out with anymore, and he was right. He got a room in a motel and we believe he's been paying his way ever since with odd jobs. We've seen him occasionally in the past five years, but he's always been very secretive about his activities and his friends."

Are these parents responsible for their son's behavior? Of course not. They have two other daughters and a son, all of whom are hardworking responsible citizens like their parents. Bobby was raised in the same environment, attended the same schools, and was treated the same way as his siblings. Why has he turned out so differently from his brother and sisters?

No one can know for sure. He may be carrying a recessive gene from a distant relative, one which made a sudden reappearance the current generation. He may have been influenced by bad companions at a vulnerable time in his life.

Why did Bobby drop out of high school? Did he foresee that he wasn't going to pass? Did he fear being embarrassed before his peers, parents, and more successful siblings? Perhaps he was on a frantic, hormone-driven quest for independence and freedom. Maybe he was looking for a circle of companions where he could fit in under his own terms. There are many possible reasons why Bobby's life ran off the track. None of them are his parents' fault.

In the majority of cases, parents do their best to raise their children well. Most of their lessons are delivered by example rather than by formal instruction. When parents have lived a good, moral and responsible lifestyle while raising their children, it is expected that the youngsters will model the behaviors they have watched during their formative years. Every now and then, one young adult will veer away from the family's pattern.

Whatever the cause, and there are countless possibilities, it should not automatically be assumed that it is the parents' fault. Very often they are the ones suffering most of all from the misdeeds of their grown-up child

How to minimize the trauma of divorce in children

In North America almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. Children growing up in single-parent families have been proven to be at greater risk for physical and emotional illnesses, juvenile delinquency, dropping out of school early, and drug or alcohol abuse. Three out of four teen suicide victims come from broken homes, and 70% of long-term prison inmates were raised in single-parent families. Research has shown that divorce is more traumatic for a child than the death of a parent.

However, in this imperfect world, divorces and break-ups will continue to occur. Since that is a fact, it is important that parents try to minimise the effects on their children, not an easy feat at a time when they themselves are likely to be experiencing a severe emotional upheaval. Here are a few suggestions which may help:

* Encourage the children to talk honestly about their feelings. Take time to listen. Don't ignore their fear, sadness, guilt or anger. Acknowledge their emotions, don't judge or make light of them.

* It's acceptable to share your feelings with them, but do so in an appropriate manner. Don't add to their insecurity with a remark like, "Mommy's so sad she wants to throw herself under a bus!".

* Hide any hostility you feel toward the other parent. It's important that children love and respect both of you. It's better to say nothing for a while, if you honestly can't talk about your ex in a non-judgemental, neutral fashion.

* Keep their routine as normal as possible. It's best if they can live in the same house, go to the same school, and keep the same friends. The stress of a family break-up and the loss of one parent's daily presence, is about all a child should be required to deal with at one time.

* Don't engage in a competition with your ex for the children's affections. Overindulgence and bribery won't buy love.

* Don't use a child as a go-between. If you have something to tell your ex, or if you want information, be adult enough to communicate it in person.

* Never make remarks to make a child feel guilty. "Maybe if you had tried harder in school, Dad wouldn't have left.", is outright emotional cruelty.

* Unless your ex has a negative influence on the children, encourage a continuing relationship. Children benefit from having both parents in their lives.

* Inform the teacher about the altered situation at home. Ask to be informed about any changes in attitude, behaviour or decline in marks.

* If problems arise that you don't feel equipped to handle, get psychological help for the child.

* Be patient with your children and with yourself. Emotional wounds take time to heal. Instead of dwelling on "what might have been" try to focus on planning for a brighter future for all of you.

* Keep your own spirits up. Children will often sense and reflect the moods and emotions of the people around them. Take time to make new friends and have some fun. Include the children in your activities where possible. A happy parent can't help but have a positive effect on the tmosphere in the home.

Divorce is the greatest trauma many children have to face. Through divorce, their family is destroyed, their security threatened, and their way of life altered permanently. In most cases, they are forced to grow up and assume greater responsibilities sooner than they would have, had their family remained intact.

A wise and conscientious parent will follow as many of these suggestions as possible in order to minimise the long-term damage the divorce will have on their children.

How to prepare your child for the world of work

We've all known families who seem to be trapped in the welfare cycle. The parents exist on welfare payments, the grandparents existed on welfare payments and in all probability, the children will continue in the same pattern. The adults have figured out how to milk the system and seem quite content to amble along on the fringes of society letting the working population pay their way.

Most of us would be loathe to see our children fall into this way of life. While it may occasionally be necessary to ask for help during a period of illness, unemployment or other crisis, accepting welfare should only be a temporary measure, to help the wage-earner return to a firm financial footing. This is how the Creator ordained that human life should be, after the fall of our first parents.

"By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Genesis 3:19

How can we prepare our children to earn an honest living once they become adults? Here are a few hints which may be helpful:

* Set a good example. Let them see their parents going to work faithfully every day, even when they don't particularly feel like it. Let them see your paycheck, and explain that this money pays for the groceries, the household expenses and Christmas presents.

* Encourage development of a sense of responsibility. Children can be responsible for getting notes home from school, for completing school projects on time, for returning library books etc.

* Establish good work ethics within the family. Never let the child hear you call in sick when you want time off for another reason. Don't bring home items you just "picked up" from work. Don't ridicule your boss's mannerisms or shortcomings. Praise fellow workers who show initiative or who give more than required on the job.

* Give each child an allowance as payment for helping with household chores. Discuss strategies for wise use of the money, saving a little and perhaps buying some their own school supplies. Help each child open a bank account.

 

*High school students should be encouraged to get part-time jobs to pay for extras they'd like to have, such as a particular brand of jeans or running shoes. Parents could offer to pay the cost of the regular brand, the teen would have to make up the difference for the upscale version.

* Discuss frequently the value of education in attaining a good job and a pleasurable lifestyle after graduation.

* Drive the child through a slum sectionof the city. Discuss what life must be like for the people living there. What life choices did they make when they were growing up which sentenced them to this lifestyle? Could they change it, even now? How?

* Refuse to be an enabler if your child wants to slack off. Do not call in sick for him when he stayed out partying too late the previous evening, or when he wants time off to pursue a sporting event or other interest.

* Once the young person starts to work full-time, insist that he or she pay board if they continue to live at home. Even if the family is well-off, the child needs to learn that he must pay his own way. The world does not owe him a living.

Adults usually strive to achieve the lifestyle with which they grew up, or else to better it. By setting an example of industrious and ethical work habits for your children. by encouraging them to acquire a good education, and by instilling a sense of personal responsibility, you as a wise parent will be setting your child up for success.

You may have to correct some minor flaws in your own attitude and behaviour along the way, but the rewards will be worth the effort. You'll not only be able to see your own children become successes in the world of work, you'll have the pleasure of watching them instill your principles in your grandchildren in years to come.

As the ultimate payoff, you'll be assured that none of your descendants will be trapped in the welfare cycle, at least for the foreseeable future. If only every parent in North America could have that assurance, many of our countries' economic woes would be history.

When an adult child moves back home

Be assured of one thing: when an adult child returns home to live with the parents, it will not be an easy transition for anyone. There should be rules agreed upon by all parties beforehand, and they must be conscientiously followed, until such a time as everyone agrees to change them.

It is a good idea to have the rules printed out, laminated and posted in a prominent location in the home. It is not that the parties involved cannot be trusted, but the rules, hanging in plain sight, will serve as a timely reminder.

The returning child is probably, in reality, an adult and must be treated as one. I will speak of him as male, but it could just as easily be a female.

The rules below are only suggestions and can be adapted to each family's circumstances. Speaking from personal experience, they have worked well for this writer.

Space

Each party must have as much space to themselves as possible. A downstairs apartment for the returning child is an ideal arrangement, but at least a bedroom should be designated as his, and his privacy should be respected. Visitors must knock before entering. He should not be hassled to clean up his room unless there is an actual fire hazard involved, or an unpleasant odor begins to waft through the house from his area.

Certain rooms might be shared: the laundry room, the bathroom, the living room and perhaps the kitchen. The child may eat with the parents or be responsible for his own meals according to how schedules can be integrated.

If he is expected for a meal and can't make it, he should notify his mother as soon as possible.

He should be responsible for his own laundry.

Finances

Probably a shortage of money was one of the reasons the child returned home. If he cannot pay board or contribute to household expenses for the time being, he should offer to help out with housework and yard chores until his financial situation improves.

He must be actively looking for employment, no matter how far below his dignity he considers possible jobs to be. Washing dishes or flipping burgers will be fine while he is looking for another position. He will at least have spending money, and there is always the possibility of a promotion.

House Rules

Parents have the right to impose certain rules for their home, such as no overnight visitors of the opposite sex, no smoking anywhere in the house and they may insist that quiet will reign after 11:00 P.M. every night.

The adult child need not account for comings and goings to his parents. He should have his own key and be free to come in as late as he wants, as long as he is quiet.

An adult child returning home to live should be treated as an honored boarder. He should have his own space and be responsible for his own maintenance. He may share meals with the family, but should contribute to groceries and pay at least minimal board as soon as he is able.

The parents must treat him as an adult. They must refrain from giving orders as if he were still a teenager and allot him his own space and privacy. If he oversteps the agreed-upon boundaries, they need only go and point to the house rules which they laminated and hung on the wall.

It won't be an easy arrangement, but it can be done if all the parties involved treat each other with goodwill and love. When the young person gets back on his feet and moves out, they may all look back on these days as the period when their relationship moved from that of parents and child to that of trusted adult friends.

Should a mother try to mediate disputes between her adult children?

When your children were small, you tolerated numerous arguments among the siblings. You knew this was how they learned to handle the opposition they'd inevitably confront in the outside world. You'd stop the actual fisticuffs before the blood reached their ankles, that is, when you were present at the disputes. They soon learned to stay out of sight for their more heated disagreements.

As time went on, you were actually secretly happy when they refused to "rat" on one another. Many times they all went to bed early because no one would admit to committing the latest transgression. "Aha!", you'd think. "At last they're starting to act like brothers and sister. They'll be good friends by the time they become adults."

But when they grew up, you soon learned you had been mistaken. Each of your adult children had his or her own personality. Their likes and dislikes were different. Their political and religious views were at variance. Often the stronger personalities tried to impose their views on the more passive. Their occupations and leisure-time pursuits were different. Add to the mix spouses who came from different backgrounds and you have the ingredients for some spirited family feuds.

In addition, sibling rivalry never really disappears. One adult child will have a better job, another may have smarter children, another may choose to remain childless, but to take elegant vacations. No one will have all the advantages, and some personalities never gain the maturity to be able to rejoice at a sibling's success. The immature may pick a fight to create an excuse to distance himself from the more "successful" sibling. That way, he won't be constantly reminded of his own (what he perceives to be) lesser achievements.

What can the mother do? She may see the faults and may lay the blame in her own mind, but it will not help to verbalize her feelings. Being older, she's probably already considered out-of-touch with contemporary issues, and if she takes one side against the other she'll probably hear, "Oh you always liked Johnny best!" She has given them roots, but unfortunately when they obtain their wings, they often fly off in different directions.

The only way she may succeed as mediator is to play the pity card. "This may be my last Christmas. Couldn't you all get along so that your poor old mother can die happy?" Some of us have too much self-respect to do that. Besides, what can she do for an encore if she happens to survive until next Christmas?

Meanwhile everyone suffers. The siblings miss out on what should be among the closest of their relationships. The children miss knowing their aunts, uncles and cousins.

Holidays, instead of being happy family gatherings, consist of confusing schedules arranged so that no one runs into someone he or she is not speaking to.

Grandma doesn't see as much as she'd like of anyone, because no one will just "drop in" unexpectedly because someone they consider objectionable might be there. What a sad and unnecessary situation!.

What can a mother do? She has no choice but to accept the situation. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Be grateful for the visits that do occur and pray for an improvement in family harmony in the future.

Oh, and if you like family portraits, you'd better arrange for them while your children are young, and the arguments and fisticuffs are of a minor nature. If you wait until they're grown up, you may have to go without.

Should our children know God?

When ten-year-old Roberta's beloved grandmother died, her parents decided that the child was old enough to attend the funeral and subsequent burial. They thought it would her a sense of closure and a realization that Grandma would not be coming back. They were not prepared for the alarming results.

Roberta was troubled with bad dreams for months after. She relived the moments when Grandma, in a box, was lowered into a hole in the ground. What a horrible way for a her grandmother's existence to end! Awake, Roberta pushed aside thoughts of Grandma in the cold, dark silence of the grave, but in sleep, the terrifying visions would not allow her to rest.

Roberta's parents were baptised Christians but they had not practised their faith once they had grown up and left home. Consequently, their child had no spiritual training. All she knew of life was the here and now. She had no concept of the ultimate reality that exists beyond that which the five bodily senses can perceive.

Most parents desire only good things for their children. One of the greatest gifts a child can receive is knowledge of an almighty and loving God. As the young person grows up in a committed Christian family, knowledge becomes faith and with this armour the child is able to confront the storms of life with hope and equanimity.

There are many other benefits to bringing up a child with a knowledge of God. Belonging to a family of believers, the child should grow up within a Christian community. He will have the opportunity to associate with peers of similar beliefs and attitudes. He will have worthwhile role models in the adult members of the congregation.

He will encounter virtue not just in sermons and lectures, but through experience with the other Christians in his environment. As he is attracted by the wholesomeness and fun he enjoys with his peers within the church community, he will be encouraged to imitate and ultimately absorb the moral and ethical values they exemplify. The virtues of honesty, dependability, kindness, and integrity will stand him in good stead wherever his lifetime journey on earth will lead him.

And when he confronts the death of a friend or loved one, as we all must do, these same friends will be there to comfort, console, and remind him that the departed soul has merely gone ahead, relieved of pain and illness, to be received into the loving embrace of God, our Heavenly Father. The young Christian can cherish a very real hope of being reunited with his loved ones again someday in heaven.

How much more fortunate is he than poor, troubled Roberta, who can only envision the slow, horrible disintegration of her beloved grandmother in a dark, cold, lonely grave.

Should we teach our children to know God? Certainly yes! And, if we're wise, we'll accompany them on their quest.

Should a child be taught Religion?

The human child is made up of three components: body, mind and spirit. Parents and guardians are entrusted with the duty and the privilege of nurturing and developing each of these elements in their son or daughter. If they fulfill the responsibility well, the adult who emerges, in time, will be a healthy, intelligent, and moral individual, a credit and a blessing to family, church and country. The obligations parents assume when their child is born are not simple or easy. Help and guidance are needed from different sources along the way.

Let us first consider the child's physical component: the body. At birth, the infant is small, weak and fragile. Parents must look after its every need. With the attention and advice of the family doctor, it gradually becomes larger, stronger and more independent. In time, it passes through the stages of childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood. However, the physical body is mortal. In time, it will age, become weak again, gradually wear out, and eventually die.

The child is also gifted with a mind. A mind is distinct from the physical brain, but dependent on it while the child lives on earth. In the early years, the child learns basic information and skills from the parents, within the context of the family. As it gets older, the school augments the parents' instruction and the student learns more and more detailed and specialized knowledge. Eventually, he or she is prepared and equipped to enter the world of work. The young adult begins to earn a living and perhaps contemplates starting a family.

The third component of every human child is a soul or spirit, a Divine spark implanted by the Creator. The spirit animates the body, including the brain, and gives it life. When the soul departs, the human will die.

The soul, as well as the body and mind, needs guidance and formation. It needs to hear about the Ultimate Good, who is God. It needs to hear the story of God's interaction with humans. It should be taught to distinguish right from wrong, and given training in choosing the right over the wrong.

These lessons and training are, in fact, the most important of all. The body is mortal and finite. The soul or spirit is eternal; it will live forever. Spiritual leaders will aid parents in teaching the faith tradition and in the character formation of their child. If the family is fortunate enough to belong to a vibrant faith community, there will be many role models for the children to emulate. The best lessons are taught through example.

Children should certainly be taught religion. Their physical and mental well-being are important for the duration of their earthly life but the spiritual development they are able to achieve will benefit them for eternity. Strong faith in God will also help them overcome difficulties in this world. When a loved one dies, when they experience distress or disappointment, a secure belief that a loving Father is in control and that he will work all things together for good, is an invaluable consolation.

Good parents will ensure that their child is given proper religious training to prepare them for life in this world and the next. Love and effective fulfillment of their parental duty will allow no less.

Tips on teaching morals and manners

Children are born with little minds and characters like blank slates. It's true, there may be genetic predispositions toward some types of talent, habits and behaviors, but parents can always choose to develop, discourage and or channel these tendencies as the child grows.

Most people hope to have children with impeccable manners and strong moral values. If these hopes are to be realized, they should be kept in mind even before marriage. When choosing a mate, keep in mind that you are choosing the other parent for your future children. It will be difficult to have moral, mannerly children if one parent is a slob.

Here are some tips for ensuring that your children will become young people of whom you will be able to take justified parental pride:

* Marry someone with similar values and attitudes to your own. It helps if they come from the same social class and practice the same religion as you do. Explore with your potential mate priorities and expectations on child-rearing before you tie the knot.

* Parents are a child's first and most important role models. Be the person you hope your child will grow up to be. Encourage your mate to do the same.

* Read the child lots of stories with moral lessons as they grow. Discuss the issues and why the good characters were rewarded and the villains were punished at the end of the stories.

* No matter what your religion, take your child to church from an early age. Most faiths stress doing good and avoiding evil. The church can be an powerful ally in teaching your child morality.

* Besides teaching the child good manners, give him or her opportunities to practice them. Take them to high-end restaurants occasionally, introduce them to other adults, let them attend adult functions, and point out other people who are behaving appropriately on various occasions. Children learn what they live.

* Monitor your child's friends closely. Treat them to lunch and join their activities sometimes. Be aware that peer pressure is a very powerful influence on young people. Discourage associations which are not helpful in forming your child's character as you would like it to be.

* Monitor his entertainment choices as much as you are able. Many contemporary TV shows, movies, and music lyrics are not conductive to teaching strong moral values. Keep a variety of wholesome entertainment choices at home, such as good movies, and music videos. Watch interesting and educational TV programs with your child. Discourage those which are undesirable.

* Arrange occasions for your child to socialize with others who will contribute to his or her character development in positive ways: your church's youth groups, movie nights at your house, family gatherings, after-school clubs and sports teams.

* Involve yourself in the child's life and world as much as possible. Could you coach a sports team, volunteer to help on a class trip, or chaperon a school dance? The more you are seen as a respected and admired authority figure by your child and his peers, the more they will try to adopt your mannerisms and values.

Babies come to us like sponges, ready to absorb the moral codes and manners of people with whom they are most closely associated. What type of people they become is largely up to the parents. As the old saying goes, " The nut doesn't fall far from the tree".

To accurately predict what morals and manners your child will have, you need only look closely at your spouse and yourself.

Do working mothers raise working daughters?

When my children were young, I had to work; I had no choice. Actually, that's not really true. I could have stayed home and accepted welfare. I was a single parent with four children, three sons and a daughter. When my husband left, the boys were 9, 8, and 3 and my daughter was 7. Child maintenance payments were small and sporadic at best, and finally stopped altogether.

I had observed other mothers on welfare and it was not an appealing lifestyle. They hardly had enough to get by on, and seemed bitter, angry and completely focused on their problems. They didn't enjoy the freedom from working outside the home. They felt confined, with only little people for companionship, all day, every day.

Yet many were afraid to venture back into the job market. They felt they lacked the education or the skills to succeed in the competitive world of work. As time passed, living on welfare became a way of life and they no longer even checked the "Help Wanted" column in the local paper.

I was fortunate to have a good job when I became a single parent. I was an elementary school teacher. The oldest three children attended the school where I taught. The only pressing problem I had was finding a new baby-sitter. My husband's liason with the old one precipitated his departure.

To say the least, it was very inconsiderate. You'd have thought one of them could have found me a replacement before they withdrew. ( It is far enough in the past now, that I can make feeble attempts at dark humour about the situation.)

I was also fortunate to have had wonderful parents. My mother was a retired nurse, so she took the children home when they were sick, and nursed them back to health. My dad took care of maintenance jobs around the house and he was always leaving giant jars of peanut butter and other necessities in the fridge. I don't know how I could have managed without them.

Because of my experience, there was one piece of advice which I tried to hammer into my daughter: get a good education and a job which will pay enough to support a family. In this day and age, when nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, you may very well have to.

She listened. Since her long-term relationship recently ended, she is supporting herself and her pets comfortably on the salary she earns from the job she's held for almost twenty years. My daughter chose to raise puppies and kittens instead of children.

Working mothers should raise working daughters. In these days of equality of the sexes, relationships that come and go, feminism, one-parent families, and dads who prefer to work at home, it often becomes the woman's responsibility to go out into the world and earn a salary sufficient to maintain herself and her dependants, however many and whatever kind they may be.

Do working mothers raise working daughters? It is certainly to be hoped so. And, the way things seem to be going, it will be that way for a long time to come.

Should young teens wear artificial fingernails?

It's just another sign your little girl is growing up. Sometime during seventh or eighth grade every young lady will want to begin experimenting with make-up and other beauty aids which she feels will enhance her attractiveness and make her look older.

One of the duties inherent in parenthood is the setting of limits. The parents must come to an agreement, in private, as soon as the issue arises, as to which of these enhancements they will allow, at what age and on which special occasions. If the teen senses any disagreement between the adults, she may try the "divide and conquer" technique in an attempt to get her own way.

Artificial fingernails are definitely unsuitable for young teenagers for several reasons. Among the most prevalent are:

(a) They are unnecessary. Healthy girls receiving adequate nutrition can grow beautiful nails naturally. The emphasis during the early teen years should be on learning to care for their own nails properly. An attractive manicure kit that comes with instructions, would make a terrific birthday or Christmas gift for a young lady in this age group.

(b) False fingernails are impractical. Girls this age are often involved in team sports. False nails could cause them to fumble or drop the ball during an important game. Even during normal Physical Education or Art classes the nails could be marked, split or broken.

It is not unheard of for girls this age to get into a vigorous tussle with a sibling occasionally. The acrylic nails can inflict a nasty gash which she may later regret, if only for the follow-up disciplinary measures she incurs.

(c) They are expensive. The initial application usually exceeds $50.00 and a biweekly maintenance appointment is recommended. Parents of teenage girls usually have more pressing demands on their bank accounts.

(d). There is danger of infection. If the technician's tools or hands are not clean, and the skin is broken during application or wear, bacteria may enter the body. If water seeps in between the false nail and real one, infection can result. It's not worth the risk for a young teen, who may be careless with cleanliness routines.

(e) False nails are hard to remove. The recommended procedure is to soak the hands and nails in a nail polish remover containing acetone or in pure acetone itself. This substance is a highly volatile, flammable, and moderately toxic solvent, not the type of material a young teen should be handling.

This is one of the times when parents are called upon to be parents, not their child's best friends. They should say "No!" to false fingernails for their young teen and stick to it. They may wish to compromise with a coat of pale nail-polish on well-kept natural nails at the beginning of high school, but that's as far as it should go.

False fingernails for a young teenager should be out of the question for at least the next five years.

Is it OK to spank a child?

When a child is very young, there may be occasions when a smart slap on the hand or the bottom is necessary for his or her own good. When a toddler reaches for a sharp knife, a hot stove, or a flickering candle flame, a parent must act quickly and decisively. Uttering a loud "No!", reinforced with a smack on a diaper-cushioned posterior will do no harm at all.

However, if the danger is not immediate or potentially harmful, there are other options available. For instance, if a child purposely knocks his bowl of cereal and milk on the floor because he's no longer hungry, speaking in a stern voice, and placing the little offender in his crib from a ten-minute time-out can be very effective. Also, it gives the parent time to cool off and clean up the mess.

As soon as a child is old enough to understand spoken language, the types of punishment should move away from the physical, and towards the intellectual. The parent or caregiver should explain in simple words why a certain action or behavior is wrong or inappropriate, then allow the child some quiet time to absorb and reflect on the lesson he's been given.

Time-out periods are fine. Children love to be in the center of the action. To be isolated from the people, toys, and entertainment they love, is a significant hardship for youngsters.

When you punish a child by spanking, you are teaching him:

(a) what he did was wrong, at least it is in your judgement,

(b) it is O.K. for a big person to hit a smaller one,

(c) if you don't like what someone else is doing, you should beat him into submission.

The child is now in a unenviable position. He's angry but he can't hit you back, because you're bigger and stronger, so he'll pick on someone smaller. If he finds a good victim, he'll continue to carry out his acts of vengeance on the weaker party and another bully will be born. At the very least, he'll go and kick the cat or dog.

It is necessary to think ahead and envision the adult you want your child to become. Do you really want him or her to become a man or woman who believes that problems are best solved by giving your adversary a good beating? If he or she happens to become President of the United States, that attitude could start World War III!

It is necessary to remember that parents are children's first and most impressive role models. Adults who have grown up in homes surrounded by love, where problems are solved by discussions, negotiations and compromises, will become tomorrow's adults and leaders who will value and work for peace. Your children, when they grow up, will fashion the world of tomorrow.

The acts of discipline which parents routinely perform every day may not seem very important or meaningful, but in fact, they are. Children absorb and will remember for the rest of their lives, the attitudes and actions of those most important role models, their parents.

Consider carefully the atmosphere and conditions which presently prevail in your home. There is a strong probability that your grandchildren will be raised in a similar environment. Parenthood carries a serious responsibility because, whether you're aware of it or not, your every word and action will have a significant impact on the future.

Is your child gifted?

A gifted child is one who learns and understands concepts and solves problems at a younger age and a faster rate than other children. On an IQ (intelligence quotient) test, he will score anywhere within the range from 115 to 180. For parents, having a gifted child is a blessing, but raising him so that he will achieve his highest potential is both a responsibility and a challenge.

Indications of giftedness appear at an early age. Here are five of the most noticeable signs which will alert parents that their child may be among the approximately 6% of children who are gifted.

1. Advanced Development

These children will understand the spoken word and talk earlier than their peers. Their vocabulary will grow quickly and they will have phenomenal memories. They will be fascinated by books and often teach themselves to read before Kindergarten. They will distinguish reality from fantasy earlier than their peers and may stop believing in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy long before their class-mates.

2.  A Thirst for Knowledge

Gifted children have a wide variety of interests and are always asking questions. They will take things apart to see how they work. They become bored easily and are always seeking new learning challenges. They are active and will not stay focused long on things they find uninteresting, but they have remarkable powers of concentration when intrigued by a new diversion. They will even lose sleep when absorbed with a puzzling problem or a new pastime.

3. Sensitivity

Gifted children have a highly developed social conscience and may worry about death, war, pollution, violence, injustice and world problems. They are sensitive and compassionate and anxious not to hurt others' feelings. They can discuss abstract topics such as ethics, religion and morality and can amaze you with their insights. They are often self-critical and hold themselves to very high standards. When they fail to do as well as they hoped, they are very upset.

4. Preference for Adult Company

A gifted child may consider himself odd, because he does not fit in with his peers. In fact, it is because his mental processes are so far ahead of other children his age. He relates better and more comfortably to older companions or adults. However, he will argue with them and insist he knows better ways of doing things, and he very possibly might.

5. Creativity

Gifted children are usually very creative. They have vivid imaginations and can make up songs, and write stories Their art work will be original and colorful and if they are musically talented, they will work diligently until their performance is as perfect as they can make it. If they are athletic, they will try to win every competition. They push themselves to be the best at whatever they do, and get upset because they cannot be perfect at everything.

Raising a gifted child is difficult. He should be constantly challenged. If bored, he may become a behavior problem. Since parents cannot answer every question or satisfy his boundless curiosity, he should have unlimited access to books, and information sites on the Internet. (Of course, his Internet use should be closely monitored.)

He will also benefit from extracurricular activities in music, sports, art or wherever his particular talents lie. When he is old enough, volunteer activities in the community will provide him with real-world experience which will benefit him in adult life.

Raising a gifted child is not easy, but if parents and teachers do a good job, the whole world may benefit from his accomplishments as an adult.

Should you try to be your teen's best friend?

A teen's best friend should be another teen, someone similar in age, in experience, and in maturity. Best friends should be to advise, consult and comfort each other as they try to navigate together the mystifying puzzle that is life. It is not the task of best friends to discipline each other.

The role of a parent in a teenager's life is entirely different. A parent's job is to explain the rules and norms within the family, the community, the society, and the culture to which the teen belongs. The parent must speak convincingly of the need for rules. He must be ready to give logical reasons why obedience to these rules is required. A parent is meant to be a role model, the first and the best, of a law-abiding, respected, productive individual within the society in which the teen is growing to adulthood.

It is also the parent's duty to administer discipline when the rules have been broken, or when the teenager's behavior has not met expectations. As far as possible, the punishment should be a natural consequence of the action or omission involved. If the young person neglects to set the alarm, sleeps in and misses the bus, he must walk to school, explain why he's late, and serve the assigned detention time. Thus he will learn from first-hand experience that failure to meet expectations has undesirable consequences.

The parent's responsibility is to allow the consequences to occur. He will not take responsibility for getting the teen up on time, nor will he drive him to school. If the school requires a note for late attendance, he will write it, but he will tell the truth, and place the blame where it belongs, on the student's carelessness in not setting the alarm.

If a teen has been assigned chores within the family, they must be completed before he is free to pursue outside activities. When he enters the world of work, his employer will not wait until he takes in a movie with a friend before he begins his job.

A parent's role is to guide the character development of the emerging adult, even though it may occasionally cause uncomfortable episodes of conflict within the family. Every teen will endure some growing pains, and few of them believe in suffering in silence.

A parent who tries to be a teen's best friend cannot administer effective discipline. Your young person does not need you as a friend at this stage in life. He does need you to be firm and self-confident in your parenting role. If you are consistent and fair in fulfilling this duty, he will grow to become an adult of whom you can be justly proud.

At that time, in the not-too-distant future, he will be your friend, someone whose respect and companionship will be more than sufficient recompense for all those challenging years of parenting. And, your enjoyment of that staunch friendship will be much more long-lasting and rewarding than were the trials of those difficult teenage years.

Birth order and personality

Many parents are continually amazed at how each of their children have completely different personalities. The children are products of the same gene pool, born within a relatively short period of years and yet their characters are totally discrepant. Why?

Alfred Adler (1870-1937), an Austrian psychiatrist believed that a child's birth order within the family left an indelible impression that affected his personality. Adler believed that birth order determined the way an individual would deal with the people and situations that confronted him throughout life.

Firstborn Children.

These children are natural leaders. They frequently score higher on intelligence and achievement tests than their later-born siblings, perhaps because they have had mainly adult company in their early years. Their expressive language skills will be developed beyond what is expected for their chronological age.

They are least comfortable with their own age group. They prefer being with older or younger children. Their best friends are likely to be the youngest or oldest in their own family.

First-born children are constantly seeking parental approval, and seem ever-driven to better their last accomplishment to maintain their special status. They are responsible, logical rule-followers, and often worriers, desiring to retain their privileged position as the lights in their parents' eyes.

When a younger child is born, the oldest is dethroned. He may begin to act out to regain his parents' total attention. As the younger sibling matures, the oldest will either become a compliant nurturer or aggressive and bossy. He may adopt a strict, authoritarian attitude with younger siblings, and try to take on the role of surrogate parent.

These children enjoy their privacy and are quite comfortable being alone.

Middle Children.

These children will be opposite to the oldest child. They may feel that they lack a special place in the family, so their friends and peer group will be more important, especially in the teenage years.

They can read other people well, and tend to see all sides of a situation. They learn to be effective negotiators and often function as peacemakers.

They will be competitive and try to catch up to the older child. When this is impossible, they may develop an "I don't care" attitude.

Middle children tend to be flexible, social and easygoing, but inwardly, they may feel that life is unfair, believing that their older sibling gets all the glory, while the younger gets all the spoiling. learn to share at an early age and may be generous.

They will also be secretive and not openly share thoughts and feelings. Often, they will build a wall around their emotions which is very difficult to break through.

Youngest Children.

The babies of families tend to be sociable, outgoing and funny. They just want to have a good time. They can be charming and they love to be in the limelight.

They may also be manipulative, spoiled and self-centred, because they were always the smallest, the cutest and the most helpless in the family. There were always others anxious to entertain, help out, and smooth the pathway for "the baby".

Youngest children often become creative risk-takers. They will not be overly concerned with unpleasant consequences, because they were often shielded from them as children.

They will probably get bored easily and will not be great at entertaining themselves.

They may be financially irresponsible. They'll make elaborate plans to become wealthy within a short time, but unfortunately the plans seldom work out.

These, then, were Adler's theories about the significance of birth order in determining an adult's character. Some scientists since have disagreed with his conclusions, while others have confirmed them.

When parents try to discover reasons for the diverse character traits displayed by their children, Adler's theories may provide helpful clues.

Explaining death to children

When children ask: "Why do people die?", they need and deserve an honest answer. It should reflect their own experience and be expressed in simple language.

Young people are very observant; they are like little sponges, always absorbing impressions and information. They will have experienced things around the house getting broken,or wearing out. Parents can help by verbalizing the situation. "We have had this kettle a long time. It's worn out. Things don't last forever."

Eventually, children will experience a pet or a family member becoming ill and dying. The explanation can then progress to the next stage. People and animals have bodies that get old and worn out just like other things in this world. But, the part of the person that thinks, and knows and loves us, is called a soul, and it never dies. It lives forever.

They should then be reassured that those who have gone ahead of us are in a better place, and that we will see them again. This little story was published in our church bulletin and I have found it helpful when discussing death with children. The author is unknown.

Consider

In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs. They could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the stems of the water lilies to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell the others what had happened to him.

Soon, one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface. Up he climbed. He rested himself on the top of a lily pad. There, he went through a glorious transformation. He became a dragonfly with beautiful shimmering wings!

In vain, he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that, even if they could see him, they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our friends, or communicate with them, after the transformation we call death, is no proof that they cease to exist.



Read the story aloud to the children several times over a period of days. Give them time to think about it. Help the younger ones make connections if necessary, and answer any questions honestly as they occur. Don't expect perfect understanding or acceptance from your young inquirers.

We are all involved in a lifelong quest to comprehend the mystery of death. They will probably be no different. Each one of us will fully understand the mystery only when we are called to make that upward journey for ourselves.

Should a father be able to resign his role as parent?

Biologically, for a father to opt out of parenthood once a child has been conceived, is impossible. Until birth, the mother may have the primary authority over the child's fate, but the father has participated in the creation of a new human being, and that fact cannot be erased, even if he wishes, after the fact, that he were able to do so.

Once the baby is born, the parents share equal responsibility for its welfare. The mother is usually responsible for the day-to-day care of the infant. An ideal husband and father works to provide for the family and spends evenings and holidays bonding with his child and helping his wife with chores and decisions around the home.

In contemporary society, there seem to be more and more men who, for a variety of reasons, try to opt out of the duties and responsibilities of parenthood. They may be immature, selfish, suffer addiction problems, lack self-discipline skills, or have one or several character deficiencies which makes the thought of settling down to a normal family life unacceptable.

Sometimes, these men will break off all contact with the mother, and move far away. Governments in many jurisdictions have methods of tracking down these "deadbeat dads" through drivers' licenses, income tax returns and other means. These men can be forced to pay child support until the child reaches the age of eighteen.

As the years pass, if the man starts a new family, or fails to mature with age, and still does not wish to have any contact with his first child, he cannot be forced to do so. This will be painful for the child who cannot help but interpret his father's lack of interest as rejection.

Meanwhile, the absentee father is missing all the important "firsts" in his child's life: first words, first steps, first day at school, first date. If the mother remarries, the male parenting role may be filled by another, who will always be treasured as the dad the child knew and loved during his formative years.

Someday in the future, through curiosity, or perhaps through interest in family medical history, or maybe just to fill in a gap in his background, the grown-up child may search out his biological father. "Why didn't you want me? I never did anything to you. How could you just walk away and never look back? Where were you when I needed you?'

These are a few of the questions and accusations biological fathers who have tried to opt out of parenthood may one day have to confront and respond to.

Fathers can never opt out of parenthood once the child has been conceived. The baby carries his DNA, and his genes. It shares his ancestry. It is part of his family. His physical presence or absence during the child's early life is immaterial. He is that child's biological father and he cannot opt out of the role.

He will have even more cause for feelings of guilt and regret, if he abandons the mother during pregnancy. She may be overwhelmed with despair and desperation and decide to have an abortion. The father will then carry through life the knowledge that his selfishness and irresponsibility contributed to the death of his child.

Undeniably then, both parents are responsible for the safety and nurture of the child they bring into being. A child needs both parents equally: a mother and a father.

They have different but complimentary roles to fulfill. While the mother may have primary role while the child is in the womb, once it is born the male parent is equally responsible for its welfare. For fathers, resigning their role, even if they wish to do so. should not be an option.

Living near neighbors from a different culture

Our first task in approaching another people, another culture, another religion,
Is to take off our shoes, for the place we are approaching is holy,
Else we may find ourselves treading on someone's dream.
More serious still, we may forget...
That God was there before our arrival."
                                                                                                                 Author Unknown

Having good neighbors is a significant factor in the ability of the contemporary urban family to enjoy peace and contentment in their own home. Adjacent families may differ in size, in customs, in race or religion, but this should in no way hinder one household's ability to interact successfully with the other and to enjoy a mutually enjoyable friendship.

The key ingredient in this relationship must be respect. Most belief systems have ancient and honorable origins. Adherents of different religions have unique and well-defined customs and rituals through which they express their faith. Good neighbors will honor these traditions and never by word or deed ridicule or disparage them in any way.

In order to do this effectively, it will be necessary to learn the basic beliefs and practices that are important to the neighboring family. On which day of the week do they observe the Sabbath? What are the special holy seasons in their faith and how are they observed? Are there any dietary restrictions for members of their religion?

Research may be done at the local library, on the Internet, or by talking to a neighboring family member with whom you have established a comfortable rapport. However, your research should be done sooner rather than later, before you've unwittingly offended a new Jewish neighbor by inviting his family over for a brunch of bacon and eggs. There are many similar faux pas which well-intentioned, but ill-informed new neighbors might commit.

It will also be necessary to share your knowledge and tolerant, respectful attitude with your children. Young people can be thoughtless and even cruel when faced with concepts and practices they do not understand. As you wouldn't want your religion to become the focus of childish or adolescent jests, be on guard lest your neighbor experience this type of disrespect from the younger members of your own family.

You will do your offspring a tremendous favor by modeling for them the proper way to interact with others, in the diverse societies they will encounter in the future. With advances in travel, in communication technology, and immigration policies, the world already resembles a global village more with each passing year. The next generation will interact and conduct business with people of other lands and other faith traditions which we have only glimpsed through the mediums of television or motion pictures. They will have to learn tolerance or something even better...

"Let us not speak of tolerance. This negative word implies grudging concessions by smug consciences. Rather, let us speak of mutual understanding and mutual respect."
                                                                                                           Father Dominique Pire

Those who follow Father Pire's philosophy will surely be able to live peaceably and happily, in harmony with neighbors of different belief systems in the society of the future.

How to help your teen avoid an unplanned pregnancy.

Children don't come with instruction booklets. Raising a child successfully today is like manoeuvering a tank around a series of pylons on a bicycle path. When the child becomes a teenager, the path becomes narrower and the pylons swell. The challenges become more daunting.

One of many parents' greatest fears is that their teen may face the responsibilities of an unplanned pregnancy. The wise parent can minimize the risk of this possibility by beginning a series of counter-measures when the child is very young:

1. Have your baby baptized in the church of your choosing. Attend services regularly so the child becomes comfortable and regards the church as an extension of home, and the congregation as an extension of family. He'll receive sound moral training here and good people will be worthwhile friends and role-models as he embarks on the journey through life

2. Teach the child the proper names for his sexual organs. There are lots of colourful picture books to help children become familiar with the external organs of both sexes. In many families the presence of brothers and sisters provide real "family life" education.

3. Enjoy your child's childhood and extend it as long as possible. Don't be in a rush to buy grown-up clothes and make-up, have "play-dates", or other activities which glamorize the teen-age years. Encourage same-sex activities: birthday parties, Cubs, Brownies, team sports and participation in church youth group activities. Be involved, get to know your child's friends and their parents.

4. If your school does not have a series of Family Life Education courses, start one with your own child at home. Begin at the primary grade level and introduce the reproductive system of the child giving each organ its proper name. Picture books are most helpful. Building on the former knowledge, the internal organs of the opposite sex may be introduced around the middle grade level.

5, Together, set realistic goals for your child's future. What career will he choose? How much education will be required? Help him form a picture of the rosy future he'll enjoy if he sticks to his goal. Praise every achievement which brings him a step closer to that goal. Make academic achievement a priority.

6. Around Grade 7 or 8, or when the child starts to ask, again building on former knowledge, explain how babies are conceived. Emphasize the family connection. Babies need mothers and fathers to care for them, so they need to be born into a family. Remark on how the birth of a new brother, sister or cousin brings joy to the whole family.

7. Allow group dates only for the first years of high school. Since cars will be scarce among the younger set, offer to drive groups to and from movies, sporting events, church activities, school dances, etc. When you're not driving, set a strict curfew.

8. During the last years of high school and the first of college, your teenager will expect more freedom. They should be mature enough by this time to act responsibly, but certain actions on the parent's part can still be helpful. Be sure the teen has a cell phone so you be reached in an emergency. If you have a daughter, promise to pick her up anywhere, anytime, with no questions asked, if she gets into an uncomfortable situation.

Make your teen's friends welcome in your home. Give the young people some privacy during a gathering or party at your residence, but not too much. Keep in touch with other parents and compare notes when necessary.

9. Continue to give your teen lots of attention and love. This way, they are less apt to be seeking affection from inappropriate sources.

10. When your teen settles down to date one other person exclusively, the temptation to engage in premarital sex will be there. This is the time for a serious talk. Reinforce all the ideas you've instilled through the years: sex is meant to be shared during a committed marriage, babies need two parents and a secure family life.

Reinforce the idea that attaining an educational goal will ensure the teen's future family a lifetime of security and happiness. If you feel your teen needs further information, request the help of your family doctor.

By this time, your child will be eighteen, legally an adult. You've done your best to guide him/ her through the youthful years and instill proper values. Your role changes now to that of a consultant. Be available, be interested, be supportive, offer advice when requested. You'll get lots of practice; this role will continue for the rest of your life.

Is my child ready to attend a sleep-away summer camp?

Going to camp can be a wonderful experience for children. It helps them develop an appreciation of nature, gain new skills and new friends, and it increases their social skills. They will have new experiences, follow different routines and be expected to listen to and obey new rules given by leaders they won't know, at least not for several days. How will a parent know if their child is ready to attend a sleep-away camp for the first time?

Consider: is the child accustomed to being away from a parent or caregiver for a large part of each day? They should be in an all-day school program. In most areas, this will be at least Grade One. Many camps won't accept children younger than seven.

He should be well-adjusted to school and go without complaint. He should have acquired a few friends and his report cards should show at least "Satisfactory" under behaviour and socializing skills.

Parents considering a camp experience for their boy or girl must be sure the child has no major health concerns, such as asthma or diabetes, before they decide. A thorough medical check-up is mandatory, and most camps will require one before finalizing a registration form.

There are camps geared to children with specific health concerns, and if the staff is trained to handle any health emergency, the parents should feel confident in making arrangements for the child to attend.

In fact, children with an illness or disability often reap extra benefits from a camping experience. They discover they are not alone in their problem and they may pick up hints on coping from peers similarly afflicted. They may also begin to find humor in situations and difficulties which had previously caused only frustration and anger.

It will be helpful if the child going to camp has been away from home on other occasions and has coped well. Has he been to sleep-overs with friends and enjoyed the experiences? Perhaps grandparents or friends have taken him for short vacations and returned with good reports of his adjustment to new routines and places.

Are his sleep patterns normal? For example, if he is subject to frequent, terrifying nightmares or if he must visit the washroom several times during the night, these circumstances must be discussed with the camp staff beforehand. Unless they can assure the parents they are willing and able to accommodate these individualities, it may be well to postpone the camp experience for a few years.

Wise parents will plan to provide a few outdoor activities before the child actually leaves for camp, such as picnics in a wooded area, or overnight excursions, sleeping in a tent or camper as a family. While there, be alert for undiscovered allergies to organisms present only in outdoor locations.

If the child reacts well and enjoys the experiences, and if all the above conditions are met, the child is probably ready to attend a sleep-away camp.

Send him off with a smile and kiss. If you have misgivings, keep them to yourself. At the same time, prepare for the unexpected. Resolve not to show your chagrin when it's finally time for him to come home and he begs to stay at camp for another two weeks

How to help a child with dyspraxia eat

The term "dyspraxia" is derived from two Greek words: 'dys' meaning abnormal and "praxis' meaning doing. A child with this disability has difficulty planning and carrying out movements. When his brain sends the message to his nerves and muscles that he wants to carry out an action, some part of the process is disrupted. He may have great difficulty accomplishing very simple tasks like printing or tying his shoelaces.

One of the greatest challenges facing parents of a child with dyspraxia, is that of encouraging him to eat and drink sufficient amounts of nourishing food to maintain good health. These children are very active, easily distracted, and dislike sitting still for any length of time. They are notoriously messy eaters. Here are some tips that parents of these children may find useful:

* Try to have meals at the same time each day. Routine is especially beneficial for children with dyspraxia.

* Give a few minutes warning so he can plan a pause in his activity. " Lunch in five minutes, Dear."

* Minimize distractions; no radio or TV . Close the curtains if there is any action taking place outside the window.

* When he is seated on the chair, move it in under the table as far as you can, so that his body touches the edge. Place his plate near him. The less distance he has to transport each mouthful, the better.

* Place a damp towel under his plate to keep it from slipping.

* Tuck a napkin under his chin, or place it on his lap, to catch drips and crumbs.

* Choose food that is easy to handle. A steak, cut into pieces is better than a chicken leg, or corn on the cob.

* Encourage him to eat slowly and chew each bite well.

* Use praise liberally. It's great motivation for him to keep trying.

* Cut large pieces of food into bite-sized pieces. The child may prefer to use his fingers, but as he nears school age he should be encouraged to use cutlery. Many parents have found a spoon to be a good starter utensil.

* Place all condiments near him or insist that he ask for them to be passed. If he tries to reach across the table, an accident may result.

* For drinks, a sipping cup might be best until he nears school age. Then he can progress to a cup or mug, but it should be filled only half full.

* Flexible straws are helpful for juice boxes or cans.

* Some children are very sensitive to the different textures of food. They may like ice cream and yoghurt but hate crunchy vegetables or nuts. Be adaptable. Mashed or pureed cauliflower has just as many vitamins as the "al dente" type.

* For school lunches, sandwiches cut in quarters are often suitable. Alert the teacher that he may need help opening juice boxes, drink cans, yoghurt containers, or other packaging.

* Once a "less than perfect" meal is over, forget it. Persistent complaints about his eating behaviour may make the child dislike all food and result in the next mealtime being even more difficult.

The most important thing for parents to remember in dealing with every aspect of their special child's life, is to love and enjoy him every day just the way he is. If he is assured of your unconditional love and support, he will move ahead with confidence and may achieve and even surpass what was expected of him during his early years.

"When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece." John Ruskin (1849-1906)

When should you be concerned about a child's failing grades?

Failing grades in class should be a cause for concern as soon as a parent becomes aware of them. If the problem is not addressed immediately, the child may be in danger of failing the entire grade and having to repeat it next year. Having a child spend an extra year of his or her life in school is not a pleasant prospect, either for the student or for the parent.

These are steps which should be taken to find a solution to the child's difficulties:

A. Reflection. As the parent, you are the closest person to your child, the one most likely to be aware of the difficulty. Have there been any recent upsetting events in his or her environment? Is there tension in the home, frequent quarrels, a separation or divorce? Is someone in the family seriously ill?

Sometimes children must cope with situations which, though unfortunate, cannot be helped. A parental divorce, a serious illness or death of a loved one, or a move to a new school, city or country, are examples of such circumstances. If the child does not appear to be adjusting after a reasonable time, about three months, a few visits with a child psychologist would be in order.

B. Talk to the child. Do not be angry, or upset. Ask in kindly way why he thinks his marks are down and ask if there is anything you can do to help. If you have developed a friendly, trusting relationship with him, you may get an answer.

C. Consult the child's teacher. Ascertain the subject area which is causing the difficulty and ask if she, as a professional, has spotted any clues which might identify the problem. She has the advantage of seeing your child in relationship to his peers and may have noticed a recent change in his manner or his relationships. Inquire specifically if there has been any indication of bullying.

Ask for an outline of the year's curriculum in the problem subject, so you can work with the child at home until he catches up. If you don't feel competent in teaching yourself,  consider hiring a tutor.

D. Consult the child's doctor. Request a thorough check-up to make sure there are no physical problems lurking in the background.

E. Examine his schedule. If he is busy every night of the week with sports or other extra-curricular activities, he is over-extended. For most children, one week night engaged in something else besides homework is plenty. Young people are like the rest of us; they need time to rest, relax, watch TV, play, or just listen to the music of raindrops on the roof.

F. Structure after-school time to ensure that he has a definite routine to facilitate getting homework done. An hour after classes could be devoted to outdoor play or relaxation, followed by the evening meal. Immediately after, the child should go to a quiet, comfortable. well-lit area to do homework, plus any additional work in the difficult subjects which you or the tutor have assigned.

If the child has been progressing well up until this point, if he is in the appropriate grade for his age and ability level, these suggestions, when followed, should overcome the problem. If not, more in-depth testing: physical, intellectual and psychological, may be indicated.

Remedial action should be taken immediately when failing grades become evident. For a child to repeat a grade and spend an extra year of his life in school, when it is not absolutely necessary, is in no one's best interest.

Does your child suffer from dyspraxia?

The Dyspraxia Foundation defines the disorder in these words: "Developmental dyspraxia is an impairment or immaturity of the organization of movement. It is an immaturity in the way that the brain processes information, which results in messages not being properly or fully transmitted. The term dyspraxia comes from the word praxis, which means 'doing, acting'. Dyspraxia affects the planning of what to do and how to do it. It is associated with problems of perception, language and thought."

Developmental dyspraxia is the type a child is born with. If dyspraxia occurs in adulthood, it is due to a head injury, a stroke, or a brain disease.

It is estimated that 10% of the population suffer from some degree of dyspraxia. About 2% have severe cases and boys are four times more likely to suffer the disability than girls. Sometimes it runs in families.

Symptoms of Dyspraxia in Babies

Infants with dyspraxia usually exhibit symptoms early. From birth these babies are apt to be fussy and irritable and have problems feeding.

The achievement of major motor milestones may be delayed. He will not sit up, roll over, crawl, or stand up as early as other children. Sometimes, a child with dyspraxia will not get past the crawling stage.

Others will skip crawling completely, preferring to shuffle along on their bottoms before beginning to walk.

They will often avoid tasks and toys which require hand coordination and fine motor skills.

Symptoms of Dyspraxia in Preschool Children

These children seem to never sit still. Even when seated, their feet will be swinging, their hands moving, and their bodies twisting. When on the floor, they'll run, bump into things and often fall over. While running, they may flap their arms or hands.

They are easily excited, may have temper tantrums and scream with loud, shrill voices. They often have persistent problems with receptive and expressive language. They may be slow to respond to oral instructions and others may have trouble understanding their words.

They will have difficulty pedaling a tricycle, and will avoid activities requiring fine motor skill such as doing jigsaw puzzles, building with blocks, drawing, coloring or using scissors.

Preschool children with dyspraxia will be messy eaters, preferring to use their fingers. They'll often spill drinks.

They have no fear and may walk straight into dangerous situations, such as crossing a busy street or jumping from heights.

They will not indulge in imaginative or creative play. They won't like dressing up, playing cowboys, playing house or pretending to be pirates.

They have limited concentration spans and will often leave projects unfinished.

They are very sensitive to sensory stimulation. They will not like loud noises, wearing new clothes, or being touched unexpectedly.

Symptoms of Dyspraxia in Children of Elementary-school Age

These children have difficulty adjusting to a structured routine. In school, they'll have special problems with concentration, listening skills, printing and writing, Physical Education classes, drawing, copying and Language activities.

They will be slow dressing, have trouble tying shoe laces, doing up buttons or using a knife and fork.

They will continue to be very active, extremely emotional and easily upset.

They will not make friends with other children easily and may prefer adult company.

They may have sleep difficulties and complain of nightmares.

School-age children with this disability will often come up with physical symptoms: headaches, upset stomach, or just "not feeling well".

High School Students with Dyspraxia

By this age, if they have had no therapy or support, they will be very sure that school is not for them and these teens are apt to have very poor attendance records.

There is no cure for dyspraxia, but rehabilitation can do much to strengthen individual weak areas. Some children naturally outgrow the condition, others will carry it into adulthood. Early identification and treatment by a coordinated team of a pediatric neurologist, the family doctor, a speech therapist, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, and the Special Education staff of the local school board will give the child the best chance to lead a happy and productive life.